Great Expectations

I'm Afraid.. So afraid.

it's been three months since I've been laid off and i cannot feel anymore useless.
I hate this feeling of helplessness.
Everyday he wakes up early, working extra hard, coming home extra late and stressed out beyond his mind, because as of now he has one more person to support.

:: sigh :: .. for an income I'm almost at a brink of taking any job that pays...decent ( as desperate as that sounds)

i remembered when I was just laid off, I went back home and told my parents, hoping that they can console me, or at least offer me some advise.
in light of the news, my father laughed and proclaimed " hahaha... oh yea? you too huh?"

..I didn't think it was so funny..

My mother, just stared at me blankly and said " hmm"

C'mon guys, you two are my parents, here's a chance for you to act like one.

afterwards there weren't any comforting word expressed. they proceede to continue what they were doing, before their daughter came and told them her troubles.
for God's sake i get more comfort from strangers in the street. why the hell did i bother telling you guys.. o that's right i just have these silly "Parent" expectations, thats where i went wrong.

I sat in their couch for a little while, akwardly waiting. then i silently thought to myself " ok stop being stupid, nothing's gonna happen". then i went upstairs to say hello to my older brother and younger sister.

my sister was happy to see me ( i think)
i gave her a hug and told her what a colorful mess her bedroom was. in response she gave me a big braces filled smile and skipped off to her computer. it's good to be young..

then i turned to my brother's room to find him. he was fixing himself, as if he always have somewhere important to go and someone important to see.. maybe to his girlfriend. ( the sister in-law-to-be)

we filled eachother in in our current health and situation. i told him i was laid off.
" ..yea? sorry to hear that.." he said
"yea..".. i nodded
"i know.. it's tough out there, it's happening to everyone.. hey, if you need any money, let me know i can lend you some"

then i was speechless.. did my brother just offer to lend me money? when my own parents didnt even consider it? i didnt answer, i was too shocked and too touched. I mean, this is the guy that beat me while i was growing up, who was too cool to acknowledge me all through school, who told me i was too ugly to land any boyfriends, and always leave the house a mess where i'd get all the insane raging beating from my father for it.

"..ok?? you let me know if you need money" he repeated.
i nodded still speechless.

after an hour i decided i should head home. i have no intention of borrowing money from my brother. he's in the process of trying to get a condo, i know he'll need every cent he can save up. but still.. it was touching that he offered.

as i was pulling out of the parking spot in front of the house i cant help but still feeling lost and empty.

i drove aimlessly back. After parking in the driveway, i opened the door to find my Ranma stare at me silently with those eyes..

And i thought to myself... maybe it's ok to be lost..


...for now.