Look what the cat dragged in..

i took a look at the last time i blogged, and it has been MONTHS.
it was kind of funny how my back-to-blogging adventure happened..
it went on something like this :

first.. i got laid off
then i got really depressed...
then i started to do some soul searching..
then.. i enrolled in Cosmetology school...
then got busy..
then dreams of blogging again haunted me ...
then i started to day dream about blogging
then i attempt to go back to blogging and couldn't remember my account info since its been so long..
..had Sabrina reset my account...
..forgot my account again ..
day dream with blogging again..
..reset the password again..
...and now I'm here. DETERMINED !!

Scared?

when I started to enroll in Cosmetology school back in June, i thought i would be alright since i have some money saved up. Going out to pick up a skill was a wonderful idea. i was simply excited.

here i am ..half way to my certification exam, and im scared..scared because i've been unemployed for so long, scared because i feel helpless. scared because i have to rely on Brandon so much. Granted, i am collecting some unemployment, although the money is little, it has help tremendously. because of my helpless feelings, sometimes i just want to drop everything and find any job i can... but that is not a good idea.. i cant give up now..

every single day i have to talk some courage into my heart. i felt selfish most of the time because here i am.. enjoying this new found career ..while Brandon suffers his job to support both of us.

i borrowed so much money from family and Brandon just so i can do this, i can't be discouraged now because of my fears... i can't let them down..i cant let myself down.. i must find strength to move on and finish.

of course, at the moment I'm terrified..
but i must have faith...

....scared? yes i am.
But .. there is no other way..

Don't dream it's over

when I was 10 Years old i had an odd dream, to this day i remembered every single detail. at the time i had Just met my Ex best friend Mandy.

as i grew older i see it unfold to me as reality played itself out to what it seems like another trick my mind is playing on me.

I was showering one day, i turned around to reach for the soap and suddenly a boy appeared in my shower. he looked like a regular boy, except that he was blue.. almost glowing blue.

He startled me but not so much that it caused me to scream. i felt calm around him even though i was stark naked and so was he.

"who are you, and what are you doing here" i asked calmly feeling no fear.
"i.. i was looking for you. I've found you" he said holding out his arms to hug me.
"I'm showering" stating the obvious "can i show you around later?

he watched me, almost like an angel. i felt perfectly safe. he touched me with the soft caress of his fingertips. he constantly stood beside me, he stood close enough for me to feel the warmth of his body.

Later, i took him to school to introduce him to my best friend.
in my dream my best friend had long straight dark hair, like a ghost she walks silently with me. i have always felt uncomfortable with her.
she took an interest to my Blue mate, soon she grew attached.

"Shelly, i'm in love with him. i want him, i dont care what i have to do, i WILL have him for myself" she threatened gripping my wrist.
i remember feeling pain. she gripped me so hard it felt so real.

days went by she continued to haunt me. what seemed like a sweet dream turned into a nightmare. i was continuing to feel pain from this girl. she tortured me Physically.. and mentally.

but i refused to give up. he .. was my love. i felt love.

one day, as blue boy was nursing a wound i received from the girl he turned to me and said " I cant take this anymore"
"what?" i asked
"this, i cant do this anymore, i cannot bear to see you hurt, why wont you just hand me over?" he said.
" Never! i will never give up on you!" i shouted ( im certain that i shouted in my sleep)
"i think.. i think i'll go to her" he said looking at his feet tears forming the corner.
" no !! " I plead tears overflowed my eyes " you cant do this to me !! you cant!!" my knees began to give into the weight, begging him to stay.
"promise you'll remember me" he said putting his hand over my eyes.
"NO !!" i shouted again "NO !!"
..then there was darkness..

then.. i saw a glimpse of her back.. and his back. she gripped his hand hard. she turned back slightly to give me a mocking smirk, then dissapeared into the dark with him.

i walked home, broken hearted. the pain in my chest was unbearable. i felt as if i was suffocating.. in my dream.

when i got home, i climb up to my room. it was completely empty. the window was slightly opened blowing soft wind into the room.

there was a red box right in the middle of the room. i walked over and saw a piece of folded paper, it writes "To Shelly"

i opened the letter, tears flowing wildly from my eyes.
it reads..

"I Love You"

I woke up, drenched in sweat. suddenly there were pain in my chest, my heart still felt the lingering sorrow. I started to cry heavily until i fell back to sleep.


it has been 13 years since i had that dream.. it's quite odd that almost all the boys i've dated in high school all dated my best friend afterwards. she has hurt me countless times, until finally she physically hurt me.

it hasnt dawn on me how similar my experiences resembled my dream until last month.. i hard this song "Don't Dream it's over" by crowded house.
i checked their album cover.. and lost my breath.
the Album cover is the art above this blog.
the name of the album.. is called "Reoccurring Dream"

Ephraim David

I dont know about anyone else, but often when i dream it ususally comes out fuzzy and strange. By the time i wake up i usually forget everything about it, sometimes there will be lingering memories but it is easily forgotten within 3 minutes.

Of course there are some dreams that are so vivid, i couldn't shake off the memory. it is as if some dreams are like different types of glue. some are those cheap ones that cant hold anything together, and very few ones that can repair sculptures and act as cements.

while having coffee with the gang today, I witnessed a dream i had last night unfold itself as i met Nancy. " Damn, its like Deja Vu" i said to myself.

..wait.. it's not like Deja Vu, it IS deja Vu. i met her exactly the way i dreamt it. in a coffee shop with the gang !


so this Eerie considence has lead me to remember this dream i had last month that i cannot shake off for the life of me. so it goes like this....


i was in a regular school auditorium. I was sitting in the middle section close to the aile on the left side. i decided to get up and exit the room. A woman who sat behind me follows and get up with me.

She was beautiful. Her hair is of warm brown silky chestnut color tied into a low neat bun. she had side bangs that frames her face perfectly. her complextion glows with the beautiful colors of beauty. Her eyes are gentle and her lips are a perfect soft pink color. she wears a long flowy green gown consist of other soft colors, like the ones of newly bloomed flowers of spring..soft pink.. lavender.. brown.. gold....
She was holding a baby, wrapped in a soft white blanket.
she looked so familiar..


"wait" she says, her voice has a perfect ring to it like a romantic song.
i stared at her awed by her beauty, then it hit me.. she's my vision of Demeter.. our mother earth.

"this belongs to you" she said, handing me the baby.
"what?!" i said, shocked. " there must be a mistake, i dont have a baby, I ...i..i never gave birth!"
"you do my dear" she chimed. "i know you don't remember, but he is yours, you must take him now." she said laying the baby in my arms.

"he..." i said.
"yes" she said turning to go.
"wait !!" i shouted after her..too late she was gone.

suddenly the baby felt extremely heavy, my kness started to give into the weight. But in fear of dropping this little bundle i gave all my strength to straighten my legs... suddenly.. he wasn't so heavy anymore.

I opened the little spaces in the white soft blanket where his little eyes poked out to take a good look at his face. His eyes were like mine, tiny nose, pink little mouth. he was concious, staring directly at me. he bagan to wiggle his hands out of the blanket.

"oh baby" i cooed. "how can i be your mother.. i.. i dont even know your name"
then he lifted his two little hands and place them on my cheeks, suddenly i heard a voice. the voice was not human, it sounded like the whispers of the Wind.

the whisper said " Ephraim David"
i gasped, then closed my eyes and all i saw was his name "Ephraim David"


then i woke up. Startled, I touch my empty stomache

i couldnt help but feel sad.. as if i didnt have enough time with my .. "son"

as if it was impulse throguh loss.. i went and search wildly for the meaning of "Ephraim David".

Great Expectations

I'm Afraid.. So afraid.

it's been three months since I've been laid off and i cannot feel anymore useless.
I hate this feeling of helplessness.
Everyday he wakes up early, working extra hard, coming home extra late and stressed out beyond his mind, because as of now he has one more person to support.

:: sigh :: .. for an income I'm almost at a brink of taking any job that pays...decent ( as desperate as that sounds)

i remembered when I was just laid off, I went back home and told my parents, hoping that they can console me, or at least offer me some advise.
in light of the news, my father laughed and proclaimed " hahaha... oh yea? you too huh?"

..I didn't think it was so funny..

My mother, just stared at me blankly and said " hmm"

C'mon guys, you two are my parents, here's a chance for you to act like one.

afterwards there weren't any comforting word expressed. they proceede to continue what they were doing, before their daughter came and told them her troubles.
for God's sake i get more comfort from strangers in the street. why the hell did i bother telling you guys.. o that's right i just have these silly "Parent" expectations, thats where i went wrong.

I sat in their couch for a little while, akwardly waiting. then i silently thought to myself " ok stop being stupid, nothing's gonna happen". then i went upstairs to say hello to my older brother and younger sister.

my sister was happy to see me ( i think)
i gave her a hug and told her what a colorful mess her bedroom was. in response she gave me a big braces filled smile and skipped off to her computer. it's good to be young..

then i turned to my brother's room to find him. he was fixing himself, as if he always have somewhere important to go and someone important to see.. maybe to his girlfriend. ( the sister in-law-to-be)

we filled eachother in in our current health and situation. i told him i was laid off.
" ..yea? sorry to hear that.." he said
"yea..".. i nodded
"i know.. it's tough out there, it's happening to everyone.. hey, if you need any money, let me know i can lend you some"

then i was speechless.. did my brother just offer to lend me money? when my own parents didnt even consider it? i didnt answer, i was too shocked and too touched. I mean, this is the guy that beat me while i was growing up, who was too cool to acknowledge me all through school, who told me i was too ugly to land any boyfriends, and always leave the house a mess where i'd get all the insane raging beating from my father for it.

"..ok?? you let me know if you need money" he repeated.
i nodded still speechless.

after an hour i decided i should head home. i have no intention of borrowing money from my brother. he's in the process of trying to get a condo, i know he'll need every cent he can save up. but still.. it was touching that he offered.

as i was pulling out of the parking spot in front of the house i cant help but still feeling lost and empty.

i drove aimlessly back. After parking in the driveway, i opened the door to find my Ranma stare at me silently with those eyes..

And i thought to myself... maybe it's ok to be lost..


...for now.

I huged and Kissed her For the first time today

I don't know how to start this..
so i'll do it this way..


Dear Blog.....
Today is May 9, 2009. It's a Saturday and tomorrow's mothers day.
as requested she wanted to celebrate a day early. The whether was kind today, lovely with gentle kisses from the ray of the sun. to an average Joe and Jane, it is just another family enjoying time together.. as a family.
From the day i moved out of my home, I've been returning to my parents house to visit every once in a while. I cannot help but observing them from a third person's perspective.. observing.. as if i was a guest.. instead of their daughter.
When i see my family, i often felt happy, and full.. so tell me, why do i always come back to my apartment feeling empty, lonely, angry?

It's been over a year now, since i left the nest, i think, i've seen the light of the answer today.

My little sister, who grew up with all loving emotions from everyone held my mothers hand practically all day. their fingers entwined to each other, forming a symbol of bond and connection that cannot be broken. In the car, she lay her head on her shoulder, the feeling of warmth and trust. when they walked their bodies swayed to each other.

My brother, who in recent days have been planning to leave the nest as well, wanted to buy a condo to move into. Father, sat beside him offering advice, as well as money to accomplish his needs. From one man.. to another man..

and Me..

I watched.

I've always been
watching,
waiting..
expecting..
desiring..
needing..
fighting
asking.. for attention.
from the two people who should matter most to me.

It seemed.. the more i go home, the more i see how easy it is for them to display emotions. hugs.. kisses.. simple gestures to each other, i never dare to imagine to receive for myself.

was I so difficult growing up? was i so wrong,?

Before leaving Mother, i turned to her, hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.

Dear Blog, I hugged and kissed her for the first time today.

Took me more courage than i ever thought.

i then turn the keys to my apartment.
dragged my heavy body up the stairs to the bathroom, stripped of every article on my body, stood before a cold shower, began sobbing heavily, returning to a fetal position.

I'm a daughter
a daughter outside looking in to a family she once dreamed.

I'm a Daughter
A daughter letting go.

Here I am !

SO here it is... there's always a first moment for everything, and Sabrina you've started this for me. Swimming through my confusion of this Blogger business, I am now hungry and dizzy. Sitting here staring at this blank page I pondered to myself... 'what is something that is interesting to write?".. i've successfully came up with nothing ><.. except for this song that i'm listening to ..so here i dedicate this Full heartedly to you my Sweet " Anyone but you" from the Movie Juno.. Enjoy !