Our deepest fear ..

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love - marianne williamson

You want somethin' ? go get it. PERIOD.

taken the movie, the "Pursuit of Happyness"
Will Smith said the following as Chris Gardner to his young son

" hey.. Don't ever let somebody tell you...you CAN'T do somethin' .. not even me.
alright? "

'alright'- chris Jr muttered

" You gotta Dream... You gotta protect it people that can't do somethin' themselves....wanna tell you.. you cant do it....

You want Somethin'. Go get it. Period. "

Raising a Book Worm?

To clear the records, i honestly think " Book worms" are such bad nicknames for one that reads too much.

unfortunately i have seen an actual book worm before and it was NOT pretty. these small creepy crawlers eats through pages upon pages leaving hold in many areas. like any law in science ( or living beings) whatever eats will have waste. the waste that these worms leave behind is HORRID. upon opening the worm infested books one will have a wift of the craziest, foul smell of "rotting" pages.

..If one reads alot, one will never mutilate a book quite like a bookworm. i think, we deserve a new name.. perhaps a cuter one?

on a lighter note...(away from insects of any kind) i want to share a pleasant realization about myself during this past year. I've come to noticed that i have been reading alot more than usual.. i suppose what spark this new habit is that Brandon and I don't have TV ( channels ) at home. most of our entertainment comes from video Games, going out, cleaning ( if thats even entertainment) and reading.

..since times been hard, naturally we omitted going out. the lack of Television has perhaps 'forced' us to educate ourselves in other ways. a couple of years ago, my mentality about reading is simply ...whatever catches my attention at the moment. thus, i seldom finish any book. Usually i would find another book that tickles my fancy then i'd drop whatever i was reading at the time to start something fresh... this ultimately lead to a pile of unfinished book..which eventually i forget what each of them was about.. and perhaps 5 months later i pick it up again starting from page ...one.

 ... i'm not a genius .. but that seems pretty unproductive to me..

i know it's a small thing...

but i'd like to give myself a little pat in the back for having a good start of a new habit. i feel that this year will be full of changes, simply stop being spoiled and finishing one book at a time is just one change...

...on for change !!

current book that i am reading:

"The Style Strategy-- a less-is-more approach to staying chic and shopping smart" by Nina Garcia.---- this one is gonna be interesting

Current Magazines i'm reading:

 -Psychology today

-Real Simple.

-Nylon ( this one is a little weird on the style side, but it seems fun !! who doesnt like a little weird??)

"Every Man dies, Not every man really lives "- William Wallace (Braveheart)

Just finished watching the movie "Hurt locker" with Brandon tonight.

its about a soldier station in Iraq who is a bomb specialist. i was at the edge of my seat, and holding my breath through out the entire movie.. wondering if he's gonna be blown up, or if his men are going to be shot at..

and all those civilians living in Iraq, who had to wake up everyday, not knowing if they were going to die. that perhaps a bomb was waiting for them while going to work, school, or even home. and not knowing.. if they or their child will be dubbed as the next "suicide bomber" or transformed into a "body bomb"... to anticipate death ..every single moment... i know im weak just by watching this movie, because i dont know that even I can live like that.

I am truly thankful, to be able to wake up every morning, knowing that the most annoying sound is my alarm clock ( or my dogs licking me awake). So blessed that my heart is still beating when the sun dawns. Still, i know that i am not Seizing this wonderful gift such as life. Still i know i am not doing enough to even take care of my body. and Still i know i lack courage that is necessary to so call "grab life by the balls"


Curiously i wonder.. is one just "born" with Courage? or is it created at the earliest stage of childhood?and if a child was never taught courage, can they acquire it anyway? i feel .. to an absolute certainty that my childhood was filled with fear. 


i know every parent does this, telling their child that they'll "leave" them. my parents constantly reminded me that they'd leave me, send me back to Malaysia or have me end up on the streets. My father, in his stressed out state of mind constantly reminded me that i am nothing, and i will be be nothing ... everyday he told me that i was "not smart, so dont even bother trying to be". for many years.. thats all i heard. Growing up, i was morally crushed. and the sad thing is.. i know that i am just part of statistics, that there are so many children just like me at the time. or perhaps suffer even worst. 


i recently read in the new issue of "Psychology Today" magazine that although incidents like this happen all the time with children, even though they grow up physically, and defend themselves, they still suffer from this childhood bashing, constantly fighting the undeserving feeling, to attempt to silence this voice in our head called the past.. 


My parents.. they dont have to apologize... they are not the apologizing kind.. i know they are sorry now that im grown, i have to be a better person and express forgiveness, i must tell myself they are sorry. My father.. i can almost see it in his eyes.. seeing his grown daughter doing the best she can. Parents like mine, they had no choice, they have to support their family the best they can. along with the stress of job and life, they cannot always see that anger and rage that blinded them from seeing the hearts of their children... 


i wish .. i can say that i am rid of these fears and insecurity .. everyday it has been a battle in my mind, a war of voices in my Psyche. i know a lot of people would say " just man up and get over it" i wish i can say "YEA !!" but it has never been that simple. this feelng has gotten in the way in my everyday life..speaking to people.. going on interviews... my skills in styling.. i hear voices of the parents past. 


Still.. i dont feel bad for me. i am alive everyday ..right? i am still breathing, moving, and loving the best that i can. I will continue to fight this til the day i cease to live. 


I know, they dont mean for this to happen, for i know.. the road to hell is paved with good intentions.. i know.. that i must have faith in them. I must have faith in Love, no matter what form they come.



they helped gave me life, its my responsibility to shape it... Live it.. no matter what i have to battle.

Elizabeth Gilbert-- her new way on looking into Creativity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86x-u-tz0MA

I am a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert, and i Especially LOVE this speech that she gave

i have watched this over a dozen times, this speech has fed me inspirations times and times over.

all the while as i watched this video, i always felt that her speech was so beautiful there must be somewhere on the world wide world of the internet that has it completely written out. surely there is a hardcopy of this where i can print and stick to my wall!!

unfortunatly, there wasnt.. so i took it upon myself, and my sheer love of her beautiful words to sit down here and watched her video small segment by segment and typed out every single word she said.

..it took me 6 hours and 25 minutes.. and now it's done. it was well worth it.

and i hope who ever gets to watch the above link and read along, will get as much fulfilment from this as i do..

P.S... thanks Mark.. for showing me this video to begin with =)
Also.. i know there are alot of typos.. it's been many hours here, i must peel myself away form this.. for my own mental sake lol

"I am a writer. Writing books is my profession but it is more than that of course. It is also my great lifelong love and fascination, and i don't expect that that's ever gonna change. But, that said um.. something kind of peculiarity has happened recently in my life and in my career which has caused me to sort of have to recalibrate my whole relationship with this work. am um.. the peculiar thing is that i recently wrote this book..this memoir called "Eat, Pray, Love" ..um which decidedly unlike any other  of my previous books ..um.. went out in the world for some reason and became this big mega sensation international best seller thing, the result of which is that everywhere i go now ..people treat me like im DOOMED..

um.. seriously ..DOOMED... ::chuckles::

doomed like they come up to me now all worried and say "arent you afraid.." um.. "arent you afraid you're never gonna be able to top that?" um.. " arent you afraid you're gonna keep writing for your whole life and you're never again gonna create a book that anybody in the world cares about at all..ever ...again?"

...so that's reassuring you know .. um but it would be worst  except for that i happen to remember that over twenty years ago when i first started telling people .. when i was a teenager that i wanted to be a writer i was met with the same kind of sorta fear based reaction .. and people would say..

"arent you afraid you're never gonna have any success ...arent you afraid that humiliation of rejection will kill you...arent you afraid that you're gonna work your whole life in this craft and nothing's ever gonna come of it .. and you're gonna die on a scrap eve of broken dreams with your mouth filled with bitter ash of failure ..." :: sighs and audience laughs ::

like  that you know and um... the answer.. short answer to all those question is YES.
um.. yes im afraid of all of those things and i always have been, and i'm afraid of many many more things besides that..you know people cant even guess at  ... like um seaweed .. and other things that are scarey

but when it comes to writing um.. the thing that i've been sorta thinking about lately and wondering about lately is..WHY..you know is it rational .. is it logical that um anybody should be expected to be afraid of the work that they feel they were put on this earth to do? you know and um ..and what is it specifically about creative ventures that seems to make us really nervous about eachother's mental health in the way that other careers kinda dont do, you know.. um..

like my dad, for example was a chemical engineer and um i dont recall once in his 40 years of chemical engineering anybody asking him if he was afraid to be a chemical engineer you know .. it just.. didnt like.. "got chemical engineering block John?" you know, how's it going .. and um it.. it just didnt come up like that . you know but to be fair right.. chemical engineers as a group  havnt really earned a reputation over the century for being alcoholic manic depressives .. and um .. we writers .. you know we kinda do have that reputation .. and ..and not just writers  .. but creative people across all genres it seems to have this reputation for being enormously mentally unstable um.. and you know.. all you have to d ois look at the very grim death count in the 20th century alone . of .. of really magnificent creative minds who died young and often at their own hands .. you know um.. and even the ones who didnt literally commit suicide seems to be really undone by their gifts. you know um..

Norman Mailer, just before he died ..last interview he said "every one of my books has killed me a little more" .. an extradinary statement to make about your life's work ..you know .. but we dont even blink when we hear somebody say this because we've heard that kind of stuff for so long and somehow we've completely internalized and accepted collectively this notion that creativity and suffering are somehow inheritantly Linked. and that artistry in the end will always, untilmately lead to anguish .. and the question that i want to ask everybody here today is.. um..are you guys all cool with that idea?? like are you .. comfortable with that ? becaue..um  you look at it even from an inch away .. and um im not at all comfortable with that assumption .. i think its odious and i also think its dangerous and i dont want to see it perpetuaded into the next century i think  better if we encourage you know our great creative minds to live .. you know and um .. and i definitly know that in my case in my situation ..um it would be very dangerous for me to start sort of leeking down that dark path of assumption you know particularly given the circumstance that im in right now, in my career.. which is  you know..like.. 'check it out im pretty young, im only about 40 years old i still have maybe another 4 decades of work left in me ..and its exceedingly likely that anything i write from this point forwards is gonna be jude by the world as the work that came AFTER the freakish success of my last book right?

um.. i should just put it bluntly, coz we're sorta all friends here now, its exceedingly likely that my greatest success is behind me.. you know..um ..so Jeasus ! what a thought ! you know.. like thats the kind of thought that could lead a person to start drinking Gin at 9 oclock in the morning ..and ..you know .. i dont wanna go there .. you know i would prefer to keep doing this work that i love and so the question.. becomes.. HOW.

you know.. and so.. it seems to me upon alot of reflection, that .. that the way that i have to work now in order to continue writing is that i have to creat some sort of protective psychological construct.. right? i have to sorta find some way to have a safe distance .. you know between ME as i am writing .. and my very natural anxiety about what the reaction to that writing is going to be from now on. and .. and as i have been looking over the last year for like models for how to do that, i've been sorta looking across time and ive been trying to find like other society to see if they might of had better and saner ideas than we have about how to help ..um creative people to sort of manage the inheritant emotional risk .. of um of creativity and that search has lead me to ancient Greece and Ancient Rome.. so stay with me coz it does circle around back..but um..

Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome people did not happent to believe that creativity came from human beings back then. okay.. people believed creativity was this divine attendent spirit that came TO human beings from some distant and unknowable source or distant or unknowable reasons. The Greeks famoulsly called this  divine attendent spirit of creativity "Damens". Socrates famously believed that he had a Damen spoke wisdom to him from afar. The Romans had the same idea, but they called that sort of disembodied creative spirit a "Genius" um.. which is great coz the Romans did not actually think that a "Genius"  was a particularly clever individual. They believed that a "Genius" was this sort of magical divine entity ..um.. who wa believed to literally live in the walls of an artist studio kind of like Dobby the house elf ..um and who would come out and sort of invisibly assist the artist with their work and would shape the outcome of that work ...so brilliant! there it is  ..right there .. that distance that i'm talking about, that psycological construct to protect you from the results of your work.. you know

and everyone knew that this is how it functioned right.. so the ancient artist was protected from certain things like .. for example too much narcissism right, if your work was brillant .. couldnt take all the credit for it .. everybody knew you had this like disembodied Genius who would helped you.... If your work bombed not entirely your fault ..you know and everyone knew  your Genius was kind of lame and ugh.. this is how people though about creativity in the west for a really long time. and then the Renaissance came and everything changed and then we had this big idea, and the big idea was lets put the individual human being at the center of the universe right.. above all Gods and mysteries and there's no more room for like mystical creatures who take dictation from the divine..and it's the beginning of rational humanism and um people started to believe that creativity came completely from the self of the individual and for the first time in history you start to hear people refering to this or that artist as BEING a Genius rather thank HAVING a Genius .. and i gotta tell ya, i think that's a HUGE error.

you know .. i think that allowing somebody .. like one mere person to believe that he or she is like the vessel .. you know like the font , and the essence and the source of all divine creative unknowable, eternal mystery is like a smidge too much responsibility to put on one fragile human Psyche. It like asking sombody to swallow the sun.. you know it just completely warps and distorts egos and it creats all these un managable expectations about performance  and i think the pressure of that has been killing off our artist for the last 500 years

and um... if this is true.. and i think it is true.. the question then becomes .. you know.. what now .. you know can we do this differntly ..ugh maybe go back to some more ancient understanding about the relationship between humans and the creative mystery ..um.. maybe not, you know maybe we cant just erase 500 years of rational humanistic thought in one 18 minute speech, um.. and there's probably people in this audience who would raise like really legitamite scientific suspicions about the notion of basically fairies who follow people around like rubbing fairy juice on their projects and stuff.. like.. i am not probably gonna bring you all along with me on this ..um the question i kinda wanna pose is.. you know

WHY NOT..um.. why not think  about it this way becaue it makes .. as much sense as anything else i have ever heard in terms of explaining the utter maddening capriciousness of the creative process. A process which.. as anybody who has ever tried to make something .. which is to say as basically everyone here.. knows does not always behave rationally, and in fact can sometimes feel.. downright paranormal

um.. i had this encounter recently where i met the extradinorary American poet Ruth Stone whose now in her 90's but she's been a poet her entire life and she told me that when she was growing up in rural Virginia she would be out working in the fields and she said she would like feel and hear a poem comming at her from over the landspace. and she said it was like a thunderous train of air, and it would come barreling down at her over the landscape and when she felt it comming coz it would like shake the earth under her feet, she knew that she only had one thing to do at that point, and that was to ..in her words "run like hell "  and she would run like hell to the house and shed be getting chased by this poem and the  whole deal was she had to get to a piece of paper and a pencil fast enough so that when it thundered through her she could collect it and um..grab it on the page .. and other times she wouldnt be fast enough so she's be like running .. and running and running and ugh she wouldnt ge tto the house and the poem would like barreled through her and she would miss it and she said it would continue on across the landscape .. looking as she would put it for another poet, and um... and there would be these times ...and this is the piece i would never forgot. She said there were moments when she would almost miss it right .. so she like running into the house and she looking for the paper and the poem passes through her and she grabs a pencil just as its going through her  and then she said it would like reach out with her other hand and she would catch it ....she would catch the poem by its tail and she would pull it backwards into her body as she was transcribing on the page and these instances the poem would come up on the page perfect and intact but backwards from the last word to the first ...

..so.. when i heard that i was like ...that unbeli-- you know..that's uncanny that's exactly what MY creative process is like ..

it's not AT ALL my creative process! im not the pipeline you know! like im a mule .. and the way i have to work is that i have to get up at the same time everyday and like sweat and like labor, and like barrel though really akwardly but.. even I in my muelishness ..even i have brushed up against that thing .. you know at times.. and i would imagine that alot of you have too..  you know like even i have had work or ideas have come through me from a source that i honestly cannot identify ...and what is that thing? and how are we to relate to it in a way that would not make us lose our minds? but in fact might actually keep us sane. and for me the best contemperary example that i happen to know how to do that um.. is the Musician Tom Wade who i got to interview several years ago on a magazine this time..

and we were talking about this and you know.. it.. you know Tom for most of his life he was pretty much the embodiment of tormented contemperary modern artist .. yo uknow like trying to control and manage and dominate these sort of uncontrollable creative impulses.. you know .. that were totally internalized .. but then he got older and he got calmer .. and one day he was driving down the freeway in Los Angeles and he told me .. and this is when it all changed for him ..and um.. and he like speeding along .. and all of the sudden he hears ..this little fragment of melody.. you know that comes into his head as inspiration often comes elusive tantalizing and he wants it.. you know it's gorgeous .. and he longs for it, but he has no way to get it he doesnt have a piece of paper he doesnt have a pencil, he doesnt have a tape recorder, so he starts to feel all that old anxiety start to rise in him like.. "im gonna loose this thing " you know.. "and then im gonna be haunted by this song forever and im not good enough..and  i cant do it.. " and instead of panicking he just stop.. he just stop that whole mental process.. and he did something.. completely novel ..um .. he just looked up at the sky and he said..

"excuse me, can you not see that i am driving?"... " do i look like i can write down a song right now..you know?" if you really want to exist come back in a more opportune moment and when i can take care of you.. otherwise go bother somebody else today !" go bother..Leonard Cohen you know.."
and.. and his whole work process changed after that.. not the work. the work is still often times as dark as ever you know but the process and the heavy anxiety around it was released when he took the Genie... the Genius out of him where it was causing nothing but trouble and released it kind of back where it came from and realized it didn't have to be this.. internalized .. tormented  thing.. it could be this peculiar wondrous bizarre collaboration, this kind of conversation between Tom and the strange external thing that was not quite Tom.

so.. when i heard that story, it started to shift a little bit, the way that i work too and i t already saved me once.. this idea.. it saved me  when i was in the middle of writing 'Eat, Pray, Love" and i sorta fell into one of those pit of despair  that we all fall into when we're working on something and its not  coming and you start to think that this is gonna be a disaster, this is gonna be the worst book ever written, not just bad but the WORST book ever written.. and um.. and i started thinking i should just dump this project.. you know .. um but then i remembered Tom talking to the open air and i tried it .. so i just lifted my face up from the manuscript and i directed  my comments to the empty corner of the room and i said out loud.. "listen.. you ..thing..um.. you and i both know that if this book isnt brillant that this is not entirely my fault ..right.. as you can see that i am putting everything i have into this and i dont have any more than this so if you want it to be better then you gotta show up and do your part of the of the deal okay? but if you dont do that, know what the hell with it i'm gonna keep writing anyway because that's my job and i would please like the record to reflect today that i showed up for my part of the job"

because.. ( thank you ) in the end.. its like this okay centuries ago in the deserts of north Africa, people used to gather for these moonlight dances of sacred dance and music that would go on for hours and hours until dawn and they were always magnificent because they dancers were professional and they were terrific right, that every once in a while ..very rarely ..something would happen and one of these performers would actually become transcendent.. and i KNOW you know what im talking about because i know you've all seen at some point in your life a performance like this, you know and it's like ..time would stop and the dancer would step through some kind of portal and he wasnt doing anything different than he'd ever done ..you know a thousand nights before but everything were aligned ..and all of the sudden he would no longer appear to be merely human.. you know he would be like lit from within .. and lit from below .. and all lit up on fire with divinity .. and when this happened back then people knew it for what it was you know they called it by its name, they would put their hands together and start chant "Allah ! Allah! God ! God!"  God...  THAT's God

you know.. um ..curious historical footnote um ..when the Moores invaded southern Spain they took this custome with them and the pronunciation changed over the centuries from "Allah, Allah, Allah" to.. "oley, Oley, Oley"  which you still hear in bull fights and flaminco dances in Spain when a performer has done something impossible and magic Allah.. Oley.. Oley.. Allah.. magnificent.. Bravo ... incomprehensible There it is! a glimpse of God..

which is great coz we need that .. um.. but the tricky bit comes the next morning right for the dancer himself when he wakes up.. and discovers that its Tuesday at 11 am that he's no longer a glimpse of God and um he's just an aging mortal with really bad knees and you know maybe he's never going to ascend to that height again, and maybe no body will ever chant God's name  again as he spins.. and what is he then to do with the rest of his life..

This is hard.. this is one of the most painful reconciliations to make in a creative life you know..um but maybe it doesnt have to quite.. so full of anguish .. if you never happen to believe in the first place that the most extronary aspects of your being came from you, but maybe you would just believe that they were un loan to you.. you know from some unimaginable source for some exquisit portion of your life to be passed along when you're finished with somebody else..


and.. you know if we think about it this way it starts to change everything! you know.. this is how i've started to think and this is certainly how i was thinking about it in the last few months..you know as um..i've been working on the book that will soon be published as the dangerously, frighteningly, over anticipated follow-up to my frekish sucess um.. and and what i sorta have to keep telling myself when i get really psyched out about that is um.. Dont be afraid...

dont be daunted .. just do your job.. continue to show up for your piece of it whatever that might be, if you're job is to dance ..do your dance.. if the divined cockeyed Genius assigned to your case decides to let some sort of wonderment be glimpsed for just one moment through your efforts.. then Oley.. and if not.. do your dance anyhow and oley to you nonetheless .. and i believe this and i feel like we must teach it .. and oley to you nonetheless just for having the sheer human love and stubborness to keep showing up

...thank you.

SO I THOUGHT

i've had this blog up on my Myspace page for a long time, i figure it's more appropriate to post it here since i dont use myspace anymore lol

when i'm not in the best mood, or i feel down about not making anything of myself at the moment. i always go back to what Lacey once said.

 

SO I THOUGHT

Words of Lacey Moseley Lead Singer of Flyleaf
She hit it.. right on

"This song.. you know there's alot of guys out there that mistreats girls, and theres alot of girls out there that mistreat guys. and when we talk about this ...is that.. i've made alot of promises. promises to myself, my family, my God. and i've broken..ALOT of promises.. and the thing about this song is that .. just because there is somehting innocent you want to say and you broke that promise and you're that trash now and you just keep on breaking it and breaking it and...the... the.. purpose of this song is just because you feel bad about something it doesn't mean you cant stand up right here where you're at and something makes you think .. "well i have to get back to the back of the line and start all over again" but im saying....what i wanted to say in this song is... you can stand up right where you are .. and learn from what happened and move on... and you can make...you can make.. new promises and don't feel like..you don't have to feel like trash 'coz you broke your promise to God or to yourself, or to your family, or whatever..and you make make a new promise...Tonight. and start all over... that's what's this song is about."

So I Thought

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
so long I was
So in love with you
So I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Choris Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between

Erza , and parenthood?

Today we buried our Little Boss..
afterward we mend the broken hole in our hearts by adopting another hamster. Brandon feels that we are ready for one. This time.. we will be better. We can always be better.


Her name is Erza, as always she will be Daddy's little girl. upon coming home Brandon built her a GRAND home connecting two cages together, this way she will have her exercise and be able to explore. we hung a couple of wooden blocks for her constant teething issue. the Pet store girl says she is about 4-5 months old.. for argument sake i'll take her as 5 months. i was surprised at her small size. when we picked up Ebichu and Boss they were much MUCH bigger, i suppose when we adopted those two they were much older than we thought ( perhaps 8 months?) anyway, she fitted right at home. we're so happy to have her. she is young, energetic and very, VERY curious. she will have to adjust to her new environment, i believe we can be really great parents =)


Speaking of parent hood. i know we're not there yet, but damn sometimes i cant help but feel like a mother/house wife sometimes. granted there aren't any crying babies, that is easily replaced with two bickering dogs,  my daily chores are composed with laundry, cook, clean and picking out shreds of food that the boys ( and the bird) leave behind. Soon cleaning out the hamster cage will be like cleaning diapers.. 

though it sound like im complaining, i am really not. the odd ball feeling of it is.. i feel so blessed and fulfilled at the end of the day.. seeing my boys lay at my feet, or when they nudge under my arms to let me know they don't want to nap alone ( or perhaps need some cuddling?) hearing the bird cooing in her cage as she slowly fall asleep at night, and see Brandon nice and full after dinner, playing modern warfare with his buddies while i relax with a cup of tea reading a magazine.  i thought to myself, it really cant get better than this.. this is what bless feels like.


speaking of parenthood, i am currently half blogging and half separating the laundry the task of it is daunting, but i am sure that  i'll feel better once we have clean clothes for the both of us. i better get these clothes in, for later is a visit to my parents place.


hey guys..Growing up.. is merely taking responsibility for all the stuff you never though you'd be responsible for.. i'd like to believe that we can grow up and have fun too.... i know i am.

Boss and Ebichu.. We love you.

a month ago our little Ebichu died..
then last night my little Boss died... it was awful and she was so sick and infected.
Brandon had to do what i couldn't do.. that is to put her out of her misery, for all our sake i wont discuss how.

you know .. it is just awful .. when you see something even as a little pet die, although you see it coming somehow it is still awful. It really makes you wonder how fragile life is. i am in no condition ..ready for another hamster.. Brandon and i always felt that we didn't take care of them enough.. perhaps we didn't give them enough attention as we thought.. maybe we weren't ready for to take care of small creatures..

in the light of Boss's passing, i was prompted to research a little more about hamsters.
it is recorded that the oldest living hamster was 2 yrs old.. in captivity
HOWEVER.. a hamster can live much longer than that in the wild. In that case i may not adopt another hamster.. or if we do, we must be extremely diligent... but even with diligence.. nothing can avoid the gloom of death.

The weather today matched our mood perfectly. Dark, gloomy and rainy. we also planned on burying her today.
i know this feeling will pass, but i cannot shake this feeling of sadness wrapped around my heart for my little girls.  i cannot seem to shake these lingering tears in my eyes for them..

we love you, our little girls.. Boss and Ebichu Rest in Peace.

God Bless the Broken Roads..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSbCO6R2JfM
o0oo0oooo Man.. am i tearing now or what..
please check out this link above, it is a song for Mindi Lou. Darren Lawson.. wrote this song in memory of her.


this guy... he totally reminded me, just how short and precious life is, and we are committing the greatest sin to ourselves not to make it everything. i know there are a lot of speeches out there that tells people to "live it up" to " live like you are dying" .. i know what i am saying is old news..please everyone.. i am not here to reinvent the wheel .. but GOD .. we get so distracted so easily, we work so hard everyday and we get bummed out so much and lose sight of it all. LIFE and LOVE its really a miracle.

sometimes for the risk of looking insane.. i really get this burst of love in my heart that i just want to reach out and hug the friends, and family that i love.

i really don't know where to begin on how much my life have been blessed, how love has always held me by my hand and guide me to where i am destined to be. everything that has happened was suppose to happen .. and everything that has yet to happen.. i am ready for it.

for the times that i have been lifted to the times that i am on my knees, it is fated ... to create.. Me..

for the friends that have always loved and supported me.. Thank you, i cant begin to thank you, i know for sure.. i will be thanking you all my life..i know for sure.. that i will LOVE you all my life and beyond

for friends who have crushed me.. thank you too.. because of you.. you forced me to be stronger, forced me to wipe the tears in my eyes and build strength in my heart.. enough strength to love and accept the ones that dare to love me..

in the words of Carrie Underwood..

" Cause sometimes.. that mountain you've been climbing.. is just a grain of sand
and you've been out there searching for forever.. is in your hands
..and when you figure out.. love is all that matters after all
sure makes everything else..
seem so small.."

Make it count guys.. this is our time 

Beginning with the end in mind

I Cant take all the credit for this.
this is one of Brandon's brilliant ideas.
I am now putting down in words a timeline to reach my most immediate goal.. beginning with the end in mind i want to become a top hairstylist/ Colorist in a high end salon with a prestigious clientele.
my time limit will be 5 yrs. by then i will be 29 yrs old ( wow)

I WILL ( not want ) to finish my training in two years..going to classes offered by the salon, at the same time assisting seniority hair stylists, and meeting goals of retail.
 whatever it will take, i should not exceed this time limit

that will leave me 3 yrs to work my way to the top.
then i will start to work as a junior stylist, building my clienteles in hopes by then i will be making a good living. good enough to save up a sum of money.

by the end of 5 yrs, i want to have a family, i cannot imagine what my body or my child will go through if i become pregnant after 30.. yes i admit, my biological clock is ticking wildly.
all this.. is for my family, Brandon's family.. and above all for my own self.

okay, now that i have my plans and my goals declared.. there's no way i can make excuses for myself, there is no turning back now, we all must have goals and an execution plan to achieve these visions... these dreams that we hold so dear..

perhaps, one day when i feel lost, and everything seems down and hazy i will look back at this post and realize what i am untimately reaching for. to know that i am writing this with a starving hunger for this career, to remind myself that i want this so bad that i can taste it, to yearn for this so much that i can see and feel it within my fingertips.

There is a voice inside me, a voice that should never be silenced..

I have a dream, and some dreams are never meant to be forgotten..

Starbucks......how could you.......... !

Went on my daily trip to Starbucks this morning.. and ordered my usual... Grande Earl Grey with one tea bag. price is $1.19 after tax.

but not today!!

as of today there is a price increase to a whooping $2.45 !! $2.45 !! that's an increase of $0.54 overnight!! for what..? a medium cup of hot water with a tea bag? this is nuts!

now i must say, $1.19 is already pushing it, but i've been whole heartedly supporting Starbucks, mainly because i love them.. really love their stuff..

HOWEVER, i dont think my love will get me to purchase a cup of tea for $2.45. My heart and my bank account will simply bleed

so..sad...so.. true..

this is tragic news indeed..

" a journey of a thousand miles ...begin with a single step".. Lao-Tzu

Started out my morning with a slight nervous breakdown. One of my models were late for my second interview with Fekkai and i thought .."damn Fekkai would never accept this.." 20 minutes into the hour, she shows up just in time for us to catch the train uptown and power walk to to the building.

the blow out demonstration in my opinion went alright, i did my best. hopefully it will pay off with an opportunity with Fekkai. later on i treated one of my girls to lunch ( the other had to leave unfortunately). nothing say "thank you" like food lol

later.. was a quick trip to MIZU to see Damien ( one of the four owners), overall the interview went great..... however, since they are in a process of absorbing stylists from another salon they don't really have much time for small fries like me... despite the fact that Damian likes me, i can hear in his voice through his explanation of their "current situation" that he will not be contacting me soon...with that he ended the interview with " i hope to see you again in the near future" ....sigh.. :: hangs head :: BUT !! i'll still keep my fingers crossed!! there is no harm with a little hope...

i exited MIZU completely bummed out .... i was literally dragging my feet while i hang my head in rejection as i make my way up to 6th ave....

i approched Louis Vuitton building in the corner of 5th ave when a kind gentle voice of a man caught my attention and made me raise my slouching head..

" good afternoon miss" .. the doorman for Louis Vuitton said ..smiling
with a tired defeated returned smile i said " good afternoon sir"

in that moment i found myself directly in front of one of Vuitton's window display. in this window sits this HUGE sign that occupies the whole space, it reads ...

" a journey of a thousand miles...begin with a single step"-- Lao Tzu

there i stood, for how long i am not sure, but what i am sure of is ..that no matter how things turned out today, here is a sign that tells me not to be bummed out. things in life will work out in their funny ways somehow  and we must keep walking, keep improving, keep fighting the good fight ! ( as Sabrina always tells me)

this simple incident ( or coincidence?) gave me enough encouragement to keep walking, it reminded me that there are greater reason for me to lift my had and stop dragging those feet.

hey Louis Vuitton Doorman guy.. thanks for wishing me a good afternoon..

it sure is a good afternoon.... it sure is...

A cup of tea with that...?

i started out my day a little late, woke up at 10 ( so much for discipline... )
i am happy to say that i finally got the chance to tidy up our room, picking up some evil dust bunnies has been quite the battle ! and i've scrubbed the bath tub and tiles! yay !

sometime at 4 o'clock i felt that something was missing, as if my day had not even started.. then i remembered ah ! i didn't have my cup of tea yet, its amazing how a simple cup of tea can create such an addiction!

tomorrow is the big day for me, i've been nervous all day today. i am lucky to have a couple of reliable friends that will make my interview/demonstration at Fekkai possible. thanks girls !!

also in store for tomorrow!! the in-laws are flying to Hong Kong for a good month leaving behind a few errands and their evil bird. i hope they left it enough food and water for a whole month because im not touching that crazy bitch... and what is this talks about she will need baths ??

...oh well..

well, i thought today would be more enjoyable.. but i've done nothing but worry for tomorrow, reviewing some interview questions.. Denise was nice enough to provide me some good assurance, i suppose all i need now is a little more courage in my heart.

..if everyone else believe in me.. why the hell would i not believe in me right??!

it is time.. to have another cup of tea.. Cheers!

New Found Psyche.. thanks Brandon =)

i did it... i am done with my 1,000 hours requirement for my cosmetology license on Wednesday December 30,2009. My expected gradated date is estimated to be Jan 6, but through diligence and hard work I've managed to finish ahead of schedule :: thumbs up ::. For this i should to give myself a pat on the shoulder! :: pats shoulder::

Since the day of 2010 New year I have been actively job searched and rub some elbows with some generous connections that can help me get where i want to be. Although i must admit, since my classes ended it has been quite the challenge to push myself out of bed to put myself out there for fate to serve me justice.

like most fresh cosmetology grads i had a brief mentality that i should take a "little break" ..like lets say a week..? two weeks? some said to me " why not take a month's break? you have your whole life to work right?"

then i thought about My family, my extended family.. i thought about Brandon and most importantly .. I thought about me. i should never listen to non other than my own heart, my heart is telling... screaming to me "this is the time, here is your chance, take this energy and run, jump, leap into what belongs to you!! right now !!!"

so then my journey starts.. so far i've gone on two interviews, one with Frederic Fekkai, the other MIZU .. it has been a little nerve wrecking interviewing with such amazingly talented hair stylists. fantasizing that perhaps one day, i will join such a prestigious team on the floor.

being out there, interviewing with them i never realizd how much courage i needed to steadily look into their eyes and try to sell myself. The amount of dicipline, professionalism, and beauty i must carry to convince them that " yes, you want to train me, yes i can be a valuable asset to you"

since the first interview, i cannot believe how much i was shaking (literally shaking) before their presence ( they must be laughing at me from the inside i'm sure) but.... i did the best i can, be as graceful as i can. i just pray to GOD someone will fancy my enthusiasm, my spirit, and my determination.

Brandon told me, fortune favors the determined ones ( not his exact words, but close enough), if that is so i want to keep fighting, keep waking up and do whatever i can, if luck or fortune happends to miss me (i surely hope it doesnt !!) i should give myself credit for waking up every morning, doing what i needed to do, to know that i am doing my part and my best each and every day.

Brandon has taught me in every moment of his being to never forget my dreams, to never let go of my inner treasures, to never stop fighting, to hold on, KEEP HOLDING on. he has inspired me to do what i fear, to say the words i may choke on, to go up to the stars and say " hey... i can be one of you, i can shine just as bright, or perhaps even brighter", he has taught me courage, faith and above all .. love.

Brandon also encouraged me to start bloggin again.. this time.. about my journey from the very beginning, to personally witness in word context of my growth, also to never lose sight of myself, what i am now and what i will become...

here's to all of us, the start of a new decade, the rebirth of a new self, i really hope this year will be better for all of us.

change will come, we can all be happier in the words of Anna Nalick in one of favorite song " Shine"----

" And I think you need to stop following misery’s lead
Shine away shine away shine away
Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are
We’re all waiting ....
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that’s who you are
And you’ve only begun to shine"

i hope we shine so bright.. We blind everything ..haha.

P.S.... i will be having a second interviews with MIZU and Fekkai on next Tuesday 1/12, time to shine !