Just finished watching the movie "Hurt locker" with Brandon tonight.
its about a soldier station in Iraq who is a bomb specialist. i was at the edge of my seat, and holding my breath through out the entire movie.. wondering if he's gonna be blown up, or if his men are going to be shot at..and all those civilians living in Iraq, who had to wake up everyday, not knowing if they were going to die. that perhaps a bomb was waiting for them while going to work, school, or even home. and not knowing.. if they or their child will be dubbed as the next "suicide bomber" or transformed into a "body bomb"... to anticipate death ..every single moment... i know im weak just by watching this movie, because i dont know that even I can live like that.
I am truly thankful, to be able to wake up every morning, knowing that the most annoying sound is my alarm clock ( or my dogs licking me awake). So blessed that my heart is still beating when the sun dawns. Still, i know that i am not Seizing this wonderful gift such as life. Still i know i am not doing enough to even take care of my body. and Still i know i lack courage that is necessary to so call "grab life by the balls"
Curiously i wonder.. is one just "born" with Courage? or is it created at the earliest stage of childhood?and if a child was never taught courage, can they acquire it anyway? i feel .. to an absolute certainty that my childhood was filled with fear.
i know every parent does this, telling their child that they'll "leave" them. my parents constantly reminded me that they'd leave me, send me back to Malaysia or have me end up on the streets. My father, in his stressed out state of mind constantly reminded me that i am nothing, and i will be be nothing ... everyday he told me that i was "not smart, so dont even bother trying to be". for many years.. thats all i heard. Growing up, i was morally crushed. and the sad thing is.. i know that i am just part of statistics, that there are so many children just like me at the time. or perhaps suffer even worst.
i recently read in the new issue of "Psychology Today" magazine that although incidents like this happen all the time with children, even though they grow up physically, and defend themselves, they still suffer from this childhood bashing, constantly fighting the undeserving feeling, to attempt to silence this voice in our head called the past..
My parents.. they dont have to apologize... they are not the apologizing kind.. i know they are sorry now that im grown, i have to be a better person and express forgiveness, i must tell myself they are sorry. My father.. i can almost see it in his eyes.. seeing his grown daughter doing the best she can. Parents like mine, they had no choice, they have to support their family the best they can. along with the stress of job and life, they cannot always see that anger and rage that blinded them from seeing the hearts of their children...
i wish .. i can say that i am rid of these fears and insecurity .. everyday it has been a battle in my mind, a war of voices in my Psyche. i know a lot of people would say " just man up and get over it" i wish i can say "YEA !!" but it has never been that simple. this feelng has gotten in the way in my everyday life..speaking to people.. going on interviews... my skills in styling.. i hear voices of the parents past.
Still.. i dont feel bad for me. i am alive everyday ..right? i am still breathing, moving, and loving the best that i can. I will continue to fight this til the day i cease to live.
I know, they dont mean for this to happen, for i know.. the road to hell is paved with good intentions.. i know.. that i must have faith in them. I must have faith in Love, no matter what form they come.
they helped gave me life, its my responsibility to shape it... Live it.. no matter what i have to battle.
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