I huged and Kissed her For the first time today

I don't know how to start this..
so i'll do it this way..


Dear Blog.....
Today is May 9, 2009. It's a Saturday and tomorrow's mothers day.
as requested she wanted to celebrate a day early. The whether was kind today, lovely with gentle kisses from the ray of the sun. to an average Joe and Jane, it is just another family enjoying time together.. as a family.
From the day i moved out of my home, I've been returning to my parents house to visit every once in a while. I cannot help but observing them from a third person's perspective.. observing.. as if i was a guest.. instead of their daughter.
When i see my family, i often felt happy, and full.. so tell me, why do i always come back to my apartment feeling empty, lonely, angry?

It's been over a year now, since i left the nest, i think, i've seen the light of the answer today.

My little sister, who grew up with all loving emotions from everyone held my mothers hand practically all day. their fingers entwined to each other, forming a symbol of bond and connection that cannot be broken. In the car, she lay her head on her shoulder, the feeling of warmth and trust. when they walked their bodies swayed to each other.

My brother, who in recent days have been planning to leave the nest as well, wanted to buy a condo to move into. Father, sat beside him offering advice, as well as money to accomplish his needs. From one man.. to another man..

and Me..

I watched.

I've always been
watching,
waiting..
expecting..
desiring..
needing..
fighting
asking.. for attention.
from the two people who should matter most to me.

It seemed.. the more i go home, the more i see how easy it is for them to display emotions. hugs.. kisses.. simple gestures to each other, i never dare to imagine to receive for myself.

was I so difficult growing up? was i so wrong,?

Before leaving Mother, i turned to her, hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.

Dear Blog, I hugged and kissed her for the first time today.

Took me more courage than i ever thought.

i then turn the keys to my apartment.
dragged my heavy body up the stairs to the bathroom, stripped of every article on my body, stood before a cold shower, began sobbing heavily, returning to a fetal position.

I'm a daughter
a daughter outside looking in to a family she once dreamed.

I'm a Daughter
A daughter letting go.